Another endless night. No sleeping pills; problem is I have to pick 'em up at the clinic, they will only give me pills for one week at a time, so when it's time to go there in the morning I'm too fuckin' tired, haven't been there for 2 weeks, don't wanna go back ever, hate that place and the stupid doctors they got there; classed me as an alcoholic because I had been drinking to see if that would cure me (and it didn't), and now it seems like every doctor in this town can see that all of a sudden I'm an alcoholic, fuck, which means that my life suddenly is messed up (even more than it was before) and if there's a reason that I should kill myself this it is. Strange, if I hadn't been drinkin' that day I had never went to the asylum (but maybe I had killed myself, was in such a bad state), so - well - I went there because I dared, because I was drunk by then, and so they said that my problems depended on alcohol, yeah, sure, in their fuckin' dreams! Of course, I can drink a lot, but I don't have to if I don't want; and an alcoholic is a person who needs alcohol and think that it fixes his problems for the day, I don't; I can drink 3 days in a row if I want to and I can stay without alcohol for 3 months; and if it comes to drugs I prefer other things, but of course, can't say that to the doctors, fuck no! Well, actually I drank last week, visiting a friend in Stockholm who I hadn't met for about 2 years; does that make me an alcoholic?!!! Fuck, I'm pissed! Took other pills in lack of those which makes me sleepy, maybe that will make me calm down in my anger, I really need to sleep. Last night I started to read Gary Herman's "Rock'n'Roll Babylon", that was about time, noticed I bought that book in February 1984, 20 years ago! Time passes, I tell you! And tonight me and Tony finished the big painting (Tony's self-portrait in natural size), finally, started it about 4 or 5 months ago. Now smoking cigarette butts in the pipe he (Tony that is) gave to me. Fuck, I'm poor; but I think I have money enough for another packet of cigarettes; problem is I smoke twice as much when I can't sleep at night, makes me even poorer, and I think my evil bronchitis' back, so...many thanx to the stupid doctors that tries to kill me for sure. Slept a couple of hours during the day, had a strange and sad dream about Cici, she was dead, but anyway she could talk; can't remember so much of it. And last night I played SimCity 3000 on the computer for about 12 hours; whatever happened to my life?! Can't go on living this way, that's for sure, but nothing's gonna change as long as I'm forced to go to that clinic, things can only get worse. Fuck, I wanna paint and I wanna finish my video, start up new projects, pay my bills and such things, get an apartment, find another girl, so many things (so many sorrows)...