Saturday morning, or rather evening, and my life is complicated, but not as bad as before; have been doin' a lot of things, phone calls and a little painting, and there's vodka and wine and such stuff in the house. Thursday I had sex with her again after over one confused week, I'm still confused but it feels a little better. The problem's still there, it's not good to get too involved, but what can I do? I have some strange feelings; is it love or just another hangup? We have fun, I like to live with her, but if we turn from friends to lovers, then where will the friendship go? And I know that some of my love affairs can end quite bad if I have too strong feelings for the girl, it can only end with sorrow (or death, but I'm still alive, at least today). So, another cigarette, coffee, fuzz is buzzin' in my head (Stiff Little Fingers), soon stuff will make me active, have too make some calls it seems, 3 or 4, it depends on which mood I'm in, I hate to admit it but I'm afraid of telephones, they're evil, they'll strangle me in my sleep one of these days, believe me. Agony. Think we have a problem, I'm afraid of letting her know what I feel and I want her to know, and I don't know what she feels for me; this situation is different, I have been living here since September and I have been a friend of her since about one year, it's not as if I had recently met her for the first time at a bar or club or party or opening or whatever. Well as I can recall she has been telling me things, so maybe I shouldn't be so afraid, still I am; and that is just another problem, I'm afraid she thinks I avoid her. Fuck! What can I do?! I go and fetch a glass of wine... OK, wine and another cigarette. Need a shower, later. Use the phone, later. Tell her what I feel, later. Sob! Want to lie beside her, watch her in her sleep, hold her tight, run my fingers through her hair; why the hell don't I do it then?!!! And the more I think of the fuckin' situation, the more miserable I feel. But on the other hand, I can try to see it from another point of view. As with Boel me and Petra could be a disastrous relationship, as with Boel it's a good idea being friends and sometimes sleep beside each other, sometimes have sex, that is true, but it's not what I want. Have to think of something else. Where is the phone? Where is my mind? OK, a shower and then I can start the day...