Well, I feel quite bad now. What did I expect? Can't go on living like this, it's just a matter of time before I kill myself, or worse, decide to go on living. The day started bad, watched everything on TV until i decided there was nothing left to see, slept for an hour, Boel called, slept for some hours, woke up, watched TV, went to Monica, stayed there for about an hour, went back, phoned Musaraigne, he came over with some cigarettes and beer, took some bad stuff, and now it's night again, don't know what to do, hope Boel will call me in the morning, have to decide if I shall continue keeping me awake or not, most of all I should like to sleep for several days, but how? And - fuck - I don't know what to do with my life, it feels like I've already done what's worth doing, there must be something I haven't done yet, something that not bores me...

About one hour later, a beer, a cigarette, freezing, a pill to make my heart go a little slower, wanna sleep, sleep in her arms, sleep for a while (there's Nikki Sudden again). Wish Petra could come home, don't know if she will arrive tomorrow (today) or sunday or monday. Can someone comfort me?! Or what's left of me. Is it cold in here? Is this just another bad dream? I hope so, then there's a chance I'll wake up. What do I need? Another girlfriend? Just the thought of that scares me, but for sure, I should feel a whole lot safer with a girlfriend, but then there's the freedom to do what you want, well, I dunno, I never will. I try to watch TV or whatever, then maybe I can sleep, or die, or whatever...

Then morning, coffee and chemicals to wake me up, Petra called, Musaraigne called, and it seems like the notorious Mr. Banks has called 7 in the morning. So then, another day with nothing to do, just have to wait for another horrible night, lying in my bed watching whatever on TV, trying to get rid of my thoughts. This is no life. It's a nice day, springtime and sunshine. Who fuckin' cares? Have to do something but don't know what. Need money, precarious situation; even if I had money I s'pose I would feel bad, but not worse anyway. As if it wasn't enough with what's already disturbing my head, have enough of problems, it's all about love, or maybe not love, anti-love, I'm just confused, don't know anything at all and don't know what I want with this life, perhaps I should start planning next life instead, if there is another life after this; how will I know? Three cigarettes left... Now Monica called, a friend of her died this night, well, I have to go down to her...

Petra called again (she'll be back monday), Musaraigne called, went back to the apartment to make some calls, nobody's home ("get off the phone..."); fuck, this is painful, and nothing to kill the pain with, and I suppose it's more healthy in one way, but on the other hand it can be disastrous if I'm in the wrong mood, have to keep away from the sharp artifacts lying everywhere in this apartment. Please, can somebody answer the fuckin' phone?!!! Maybe should try to eat something, but no, it doesn't make any difference. Now it's freezing cold again. Maybe should make some coffee, some kind of stimulation. Where is my mind? For sure, I make some coffee, then I have a reason to smoke a lot of cigarettes (now there are cigarettes in the house)... Coffee, cigarette, cold, sad, bored, nervous, close to death. What makes cigarettes burn too fast? Well (but not well)...

And now this bloody fuckin' day is almost over (not goin' to miss it), more coffee, more cigarettes, more pain and agony and sadness. Maybe should call Musaraigne, just need to talk to someone, anyone. Or maybe I should take a walk to the railroad. This fuckin' week has been one of the most evil weeks in my whole lifetime, at least it feels like that right now; thought things couldn't be worse when I was living in the dungeons of my studio, in the darkness, afraid of everything, hearing strange voices, scared, heart screaming... Now Adrian's on the phone...