Liège lundi le 7 juillet 2003
OK, have been here for a week now, not doin' much, visited some churches, visited the museum for contemporary (& modern) art, strolling down the streets, watching all the stuff, drinking beer and wine and pastis, watching TV, well... Now opened another Leffe triple, that's OK, clock is 14:23. Living in the quarters where Georges Simenon was raised, you can track him everywhere, but of course, he's dead now, seems like this year his was going to turn 100. Nearby there's a bridge with statues; if ya throw a coin and it lands on one of the statues heads (and stays there) you can make a wish; it works, I can tell, did that the first time I went here in 1991, my girl had just left me and I wished her back, and she came back, but not until one year later, and then I had another girlfriend (the one I later married), but...whatever! And there's a church here - St.-Pholien - where a young artist hanged himself on the doorhandle (can't figure out how he did that). Seems like I'm leaving for Amsterdam soon, Martha will be back from Frankfurt on wednesday; then after that I'm not quite sure what to do, maybe I'll stay in Amsterdam for a while, maybe I'll come back here, or maybe I go to Paris for a few days. It doesn't really matter as long as I can stay out of Fuck City. No, I don't wanna go back there, not ever, but sooner or later I have to, there's things I have to do; that'll be the day when I die... Spent a night in Cologne on my way to Liège, rats everywhere, but for the first time I hade the chance to take a closer look at the cathedral (at least at the exterior), it's really magnificent, especially the heavy towers to the west. Things are working out quite well, a few days ago I started making some sketches, today I realized I can do handwriting without shaking, I'm on a long journey back to life. Some paintings by James Ensor and Karel Appel gave me some kicks; I wish I had brought some oil colours and a few brushes, but I don't have any ideas of what to paint. I really should paint, have to do something for a living and I'm not into photography or making websites, it feels like that belongs to my past. Will be great to see Martha again, I adore the stuff she's producing; the only reason I've been able to produce anything during this year is because I came in contact with her and her work. Another Leffe. So what'll I do now? Is there any art around? Found a softporn channel on the TV, the films were boring but I couldn't stop giggling when I saw the stupid commercials. Well, time to smoke another cigarette and find out how to spend the day...
Now Cici arrived, and I've copied the text from the backside of the Cinderella DVD. Eh, let me outta here! Have to go to an internetcafé, think there's 3 in the neighbourhood, but that can wait until tomorrow. Yeah, why do today what you can do some other day? Have to get outta here, bye...

Liège mardi le 8 juillet 2003
Lot of walking, up the stairs to montagne de Bueren, then visited église Sainte-Croix, then back to impasse Croctay, then visited église Saint-Jacques (great roman-gothic-renaissance church) and église Saint-Denis (not so very interesting), then a café in the corner of rue Saint-Pholien and boulevard de l'Est for a Coca-Cola (avoiding alcohol today), and now back home again. Wanna see more things, mais je n'en peux plus. So...
Then another long walk. Couldn't find the new Cirque Divers but I will tomorrow (maybe). There's a lot of apartments to rent around here, seems like you could get a decent one for about €250 a month, seems OK to me. Or maybe I should try to get that quite big apartment in Estonia for about €650 a year, but of course I don't know what to do in Estonia. Now no more walking for today, even if it seems to be a good idea, sitting by the river, but no... Feels like I don't wanna leave for a while, but at the same time it would be fun to meet Martha; but after that I don't know what to do, don't wanna go back to the studio ever, there must be a better life than that. The old alcoholics are hanging around the bus stop. Restaurants in every streetcorner. Have to be careful and don't waste money. Now time to work a little...

Liège mercredi le 9 juillet 2003
OK, now I've visited the (fuck, coffee all over the paper) museum of religious art, then climbed the eternal stairs, then visited St.-Jean (you can find a beautiful gothic sculpture there, I tell ya). Caught myself looking at girls, long time since I used to do that; maybe I will be cured from the evil curse that hangs over me. Been taken some photos (in colour just to make sure I don't have to enter a darkroom again). Now Cici came back, she seems to be in a bad mood. And now Martha should be back in Amsterdam, maybe I should call her, but I don't know when to leave Liège. It's so fuckin' nice just to sit by the river or in a park watching people and trees and whatever. Well, well, well (or whatever Rebecca said a long time ago), have to do some laundry...

Liège jeudi le 10 juillet 2003
Been walking about 14000 meters today, not used to be out in the sun, last summers I spent most of the daytime indoors. Now sitting on the stairs smoking a St.-Michel and drinking a bottle of Bush (first alcohol for days and too strong). Plenty of beautiful girls in the streets, now all of a sudden I can see them. Been drinking Coca-Cola and Fanta Cassis and more Coca-Cola, I'm so fuckin' healthy. Don't recommend the hamburger called Double Swiss at Quick, waste your money on something better. There are some nice parks here, you can sit there and doing nothing for an eternity, exactly what I'm in need of right now, sitting in the parks, sitting by the river, doin' nothing. Time to sketch...

Amsterdam jeudi le 17 juillet 2003
"Wild in the Country" on the stereo in Martha's studio. Arrived yesterday, we went out to some places; today sky is grey, good, it was too hot yesterday; now we're going to the library. Yeah...

Amsterdam vendredi le 18 juillet 2003
Night at Martha's apartment. I'm tired, that's OK, I feel OK. So what's up? Just waiting for the morning to come. Not into partying. Don't know what I'm into, I hope however it has something to do with art, or...whatever. Now time to sleep...
Morning, sitting in the kitchen, just been drinking coffee, now I'm smoking too much again, have to cut down (maybe tomorrow), have to find out what to do today, Martha is cleaning up, need more coffee, and what to do...

Amsterdam dimanche le 20 juillet
Another morning at Martha's place; think it's time to leave (not leave Amsterdam but Martha's place)... So, sent a SMS to Tommy, he has to answer it quickly, or else...but whatever, time for another cigarette, & then follow Martha to the internetcafé, & then? I don't know! Strange music on the stereo. Don't know if I shall stay in Amsterdam or go back to Liège or phone that girl to see if I can stay at her place in Paris. Now Martha seems to have finished her work at the computer, so maybe it's time to go...

Paris jeudi le 24 juillet 2003
So, here I am, back in Paris, arrived early in the morning yesterday. Now another morning in a studio at rue de Charonne, waiting for more coffee, and it's raining. Almost out of money, have to get more, and I have to make up plans; where to go, back to Amsterdam, or maybe to Norway? Amsterdam seems like a better place than Norway, but Paris seems like a better place than Amsterdam; don't even know if I care where I am as long as I'm not in Merdeville. And now I have to smoke... OK, and now I'm going out to find an impasse and then maybe go to the cathedral, long time since I visited that beautiful building. Fuck, I need more money and I need it now! Well...

Paris vendredi le 25 juillet 2003
Just another morning. Sitting, smoking, waiting for a telephone call 'cause I'm out of money. Yesterday went to Notre-Dame (the famous one that is), it looked the same, but it gets smaller and smaller for each time I'm visiting it. And I found impasse Satan at last, it showed up that it ended in a beautiful yard, interesting people, seems to be concerts there once or twice a week, can't remember what they told me. So now...waiting for money. Maybe can do some sketches...

Paris dimanche le 27 juillet 2003
There is a beautiful girl; haven't seen many during my stay in Paris. And suddenly I feel a bit sorry, don't know why, it's not the fuckin' depression, it's something else, something quite different.S'pose it's time to go back soon; well, I have to, this city has become very expensive, moved from Giacomini's place to a hotel yesterday, costs me €29 for a night, I'll stay there for another night & then I'll try to sleep in a park or whatever. Think I'll go to Montmartre now, yeah, seems to be a good idea. For sure, I have to make up plans and start to work again, I will, as soon as I get back. Think I have €140 left; the bus to Beauvais will cost me €10, & I wanna get pissed drunk, long time since I was in such a state. Seems like Paris has lost a lot of it's charm. Me gotta go...
Went to a cheap bar for a pastis, now I'm drinking the second one. Nice place, two pinball machines, a small room with 5 small tables & an old man behind the comptoir. Should be nice to play pinball, haven't done that for 4 years, but no, maybe not. Well, I'll have to stop feeling so sad, there's no reason, I'm in Paris, & Paris is kind of home, at least it used to be. And now another pastis, then I'll have to find a tabac that's open. Well, I have gained a lot of inspiration during this trip, now I hope I'll be able to work again, exhibitions doesn't wait for you to finish whatever you're doin'. OK, time to go, Montmartre is waiting for me...

Paris lundi le 28 juillet 2003
Another morning, woke up and it felt like I was in hell, looked in the mirror, that confirmed it. A café at boulevard du Temple, close to the metro Filles du Calvaire. Yeah, it's really fuckin' time to leave...
Much later, around 7 hours that is. Drinking a Leffe Radieuse near Bastille, been walking for the whole fuckin' day, and I s'pose I'll have to walk for the whole fuckin' night, this is my new life as clochard. Fuck, they gave me a Leffe Blonde! Well, whatever. Now I'm tired, wish I had more money, I need a hotel, a shower, a beautiful french girl & a big bottle of pastis. Today I discovered there's still a lot of beautiful girls in Paris, maybe I'm not totally dead after all. OK, have to get some more money or live fuckin' cheap, but things are expensive in this town. Haven't been eating at a real restaurant during this trip; there are certain restaurants here that I'm always am trying to pay a visit. Well, maybe next time, maybe in april 2004 (if I'm still alive). Well, I better go now, still some things to do before the dark comes...
Now I'm sitting on the street drinkin' an Amsterdam (8,4%, will eventually calm me down a little). Trying to get someone on the phone that can send me some money, but no! Hope it will not rain tonight; it's quite hot so I suppose it's OK to discover Paris by night. Fuck, I'm too fuckin' old to live outdoors, if I can get someone to send money I can afford a hotel, that would be quite nice. Much cheaper to drink beer on the streets, and many people are doing it so it doesn't feel strange. Paris is not as dirty as it used to be, that on the other hand feels strange, I expect Paris to be dirty! Perfect, there's a phone on the other side of the street. Have to cut down smoking, but not today. Fuck, I need a bed, wine, pussy (yeah, at last I think it's time to start fucking again), money, whatever. Beautiful dark blue evening sky, same colour as one evening in Amsterdam. Time to phone & then time to walk...
Now sitting on a bench with another beer, & I'm tired. It's good that noone cares about people sleeping in the streets; seems like it's more youths than before. Best not to get too drunk, I don't wanna act in a stupid way (that's what'll happen to you when you're drunk). Drinking Bavaria (7,9%). Long day, been to the tower, sat beside palais de Chaillot watching the fountains (I'm really fond of fountains), then the new halles (fuck, I can still remember when they were building that park in 1985), back to Bastille; this is a Bastille-&-République-trip. So, what to do? Me better go now...

Paris mercredi le 30 juillet 2003
Alors, last day, at a terasse outside a café, then back to rue de Charonne to drink another beer before I leave for Beauvais. Gonna miss looking at french girls, some of them are really beautiful (but on the other hand some of them have such ugly noses). OK, it's time to leave Paris...